Books and Articles

“Life is hard sometimes, and it’s always going to change.” I am an adult, child, and
family therapist. When I work with children, I spend some time with both children and parents
together. If you’re over four years old in my office, you’ll likely hear the opening of this
paragraph more than once. Children accept this idea much more easily than adults. Adults have
spent their lifetime working on being comfortable and avoiding discomfort, even if it is short-
lived. Adults take months or years (sometimes never) to fully accept discomfort as an inevitable
and even a necessary part of life. Another Cherylism is “after kindergarten, life’s not fair” or “the
fair only comes for four days in July.” One teenager I worked with became especially frustrated
with not being able to use “it’s not fair” as an excuse in my office. She wanted to complain about
siblings or a parent. She knew my response when she started a sentence with “It’s not fair…..”
At one appointment in July, she reminded me that the fair was happening today and tomorrow.
She got to use the “it’s not fair” line.
Fair or not – it is true that life is often difficult. We spend a lot of time, money, energy,
and thoughts on striving for the opposite: comfort. I’m not saying our goal should be discomfort.
Comfort is an impossible goal because, while comfort is true sometimes, this too will pass.
Recognizing this basic truth that life is going to suck sometimes will make life easier, more fun,
satisfying, relaxed, and enjoyable. Humans make this easier if we engage in some simple yet
challenging practices such as; acceptance, gratitude, the present moment, meditation, writing,
walking, mindfulness, and smiling. All of these are in this book.
People seek comfort in many ways, and the comfort we get from being with other people
is especially rewarding. Please keep seeking the comfort of a hug or a touch from someone you
love. This makes discomfort more tolerable. Children seek out their caregivers for protection and reassurance. Children seeking this is a built-in attachment system, just as for most parents, offering it is also built-in. Wanting to feel physically close to your partner is also a built-insystem. I am not suggesting anyone forgo seeking comfort in these ways.
Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, has some thoughts about the root of suffering
in her book Comfortable With Uncertainty. She says, “What keeps us unhappy and stuck in
a limited view of reality is our tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain, to seek security and
avoid groundlessness, to seek comfort and avoid discomfort.” She goes on to talk about our
seeking safety and security. These are illusions and are continually falling apart. I wrote my own
shortened version of the Buddhist Four Noble Truths, which Chodron has in her book and many
other authors write about. Here is a synopsis of Chodron’s Four Noble Truths from the same
book. First, she says being human is to feel discomfort. Secondly, the cause of suffering is
clinging to our narrow view or “we are addicted to ME.” Thirdly, suffering ceases when we let
go of our narrow view. Fourthly, we are a part of the cause and the solution. My shortened
version is: 1) There is suffering; 2) Resistance is futile; 3) Let go; 4) Everything is connected.
Hopefully, my shortened version is more neutral and less religious, making it more palatable to a
wider range of people.
How far will you go to be comfortable? I believe we rewrite history because the facts are
too horrible and extreme.
Slavery was how things worked, and it helped black people by providing for them.
The Vietnam War was about democracy, and civilian casualties happened, even if it was
whole villages full of women, children, and the elderly.
Native Americans were savages, and we were trying to help them. These are extreme examples of how we make ourselves more comfortable with our appalling
history. Many revisions are excuses for bad behavior. We do this individually, too.
I didn’t mean to leave a bruise on my kid; I was just disciplining him. I’m only human. Everyone else is doing it. We all have our ways of avoiding discomfort. It is individualized. What makes me uncomfortable won’t be a problem for someone else. I was writing one morning in spring, and I
noticed all the simple ways I was making myself comfortable. It was early morning, and I was
having coffee with cream. It was a chilly spring morning, and I had a sweater and slippers. My
feet were comfortably propped up on a footstool, and I like to write with a blue pen. These are
little tangible things I do to be more comfortable. There isn’t something inherently wrong with
these, and no one was getting hurt. I could have black coffee, be chilly with my feet on the
ground, and not be so picky about what color ink I write with. As I noticed my comfort-seeking,
I thought about tangible and intangible desires, the difference between wants and needs, and
physical and emotional comforts. I asked myself about priorities and when something was just a
preference. When situations can be a preference, life will be more balanced. I prefer cream,
slippers, a footstool, and blue ink. What would I sacrifice? Will I drive a smaller electric car to
help reduce CO2 emissions? Will I waste less food and donate to hunger? Will I consider
someone else’s perspective that is different from mine? How far will I go to have it my way? 

Am I willing to let go of the control of some situations? How much of our lives is about being as
comfortable as possible? Big questions we can answer in our own way if we want to.
I remember being around 22 and in a busy waiting room. There were children and their
parents and employees coming and going. I was sitting by an older man, and we were chatting.

He was around 80 years old with a friendly manner. It must have been a deep conversation for
me to remember how he answered this question, “What is the secret to growing old?” He didn’t
think long and quickly answered, “Being flexible.” We talked about what that meant, but I can
only quote those two words. Being flexible in our thinking, in our opinions and desires, and in
our right and wrongness. I didn’t know all those decades ago I’d be quoting this nameless
gentleman in a book.